it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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