I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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