yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
