my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
