My nipple is on Facebook.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize