My sheets look like a crime scene.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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