Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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