then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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