I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
