ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
