Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
