mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
