Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize