you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
