Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
