did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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