Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
