The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
