Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
