Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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