Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
