Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
