My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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