forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think my moral compass just broke
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
