I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
