I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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