I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A bitchslap is in order.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
