my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
