and you said cock pushups were impossible
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
