do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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