he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize