im holly from the hills drunk
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
