So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
