I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
