Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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