it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
