yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
