how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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