I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
