who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
