The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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