an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
