I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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