Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
