Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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