I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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