No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
