i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
