this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
