Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
