I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
