just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize