She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
