True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You were trust falling into bushes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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