So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
