No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
