I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
not ubering you a puppy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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